Why Am I So Easily Offended?

Christian or not, too many of us are too easily offended. Why do we live this way? I cannot speak for you, but the Spirit brought to my attention this personal flaw. Most of my adult life I’ve heard that I should accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Why then am I so easily offended by what people say, especially family members? Is it my unmet expectations of them? I really want to know. What about you? If I were to ask you what offends you, a face flashed on the flat screen of your mind or at least the last memorable offense that you encountered. How did you respond?

Let me guess. You reacted to what somebody posted on Facebook or Tweeted on X or some other social media platform. You reacted in anger using not so polite if not profane language. Did you stoop to a regrettable stream of F-bombs? “No, I don’t talk that way and I’d never post that way!” you protest. But how do you cope with the anger you feel? Remember the rancor of the last two political seasons? Or the havoc of the pandemic? Did you ever post something that you now regret? You didn’t consider the implications.

“Nearly 40 percent of internet users between the ages of 18-35 have regretted posting personal information about themselves, and 35 percent have regretted posting personal information about a friend or family member.” The article went on to say that not only can oversharing be embarrassing, but it also has the potential for “long-term consequences to your social life, your education and to your chances for employment.” I’ve observed that some people excuse their outburst with a cleverly disguised apology: “Rant over.”

Social media regrets.

We’ve all had a few. And not just the oversharing of personal information. What about sharing my opinion on matters I consider to be of import? Almost anything can and will be posted within very wide parameters. It’s when we disagree with what we read that sparks begin to fly.

An interesting article from Statista revealed that “60 percent of respondents between the ages of 18 to 29 years stated that they have shared an opinion piece they agreed with on social media.” 55-to-64-year old’s were the least likely to share an opinion (66%). Only 31% of those in the 65+ shared an opinion. The most bothersome are of course, the offensive posts we disagree with. If we respond in kind perhaps you think twice about posting. Is doesn’t appear to be enough to caveat, “This may offend some of you.”

“Dare to remain delightfully

un-offended”

Quora responded to a question, “Should I post my opinions on social media?” in the affirmative citing that you never know whom you might be influencing. I concur with their advice: post “but don’t be harsh. And be open minded.” I especially like this suggestion from Emily P. Freeman: dare to remain “delightfully un-offended.” She acknowledges it won’t be easy, but we can “Take action. Set boundaries. Remain grounded.”

A Pew Research survey conducted in July reported that “About two-thirds of U.S. adults (65%) say that ‘people being too easily offended’ is a major problem in the country today, while a slimmer majority – 53% – say that “people saying offensive things to others” is a major problem.” In an insightful article, Kegan Mosier of Cornerstone Christian Counseling asks the same question I’ve been asking, “Are you offended?”

“Spring-loaded in the hacked-off position!”

My mind went back to what the aerospace engineer said to me in my first pastorate as he described his experience in working with people. Some are “Spring-loaded in the hacked-off position,” he sighed knowingly. Offended means “angry, annoyed exasperated, insulted, outraged, hurt, provoked, put out, upset, vexed.”

“In todays’ day and age, I bet there is a good chance you are” frequently offended. Mosier blames social media for the influx of unique and individual expressions of offense in our current culture. Giving everyone a mic and platform to share their opinion can be a great thing, or it can be totally obnoxious and contribute to a national sense of hopelessness, division, and apathy.”

Social media is addicting

Social media is addicting and there must be a reason why Twitter was renamed “X,” given the profuse use of F-bombs! Kathleen Kauth warns that “Taking offense at what someone else says or does is a choice. It can have profound effects on your mental well-being and sense of self-worth.” As culture began “rewarding this hypersensitivity,” terms such as “micro-aggressions” began to emerge “fueled by likes and shares” all serving to “reward people for taking offense at minor issues.”

How do I stop being offended?

Perhaps like me, you’re tired of being repeatedly offended. Perhaps you’re asking how do I stop? Kauth lists six “actions you can take to realign your sensitivity.” My favorites from her list are…

 (1) Give people the benefit of the doubt. No harm may have been intended. Never assume the worst. Avoid making assumptions. Refuse to jump to conclusions. Put another way, give people the benefit of the doubt. It just may not be about you. (

2) Adopt a new mantra: “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But somehow, they do if they come as bullets or bombs, and not as blessings.

(3) Don’t be so self-absorbed as to think their comments were directed at you. Someone said, “Self-absorbed people do not fare well in relationships,” especially people who get offended easily when their personal beliefs, values, or personal boundaries trigger a strong emotional reaction. And my favorite…

You can lose a battle or two and still win the war.

(4) “Let it go.” If something triggered offense from a friend on Facebook, either lighten up by letting it go, or private message them and ask if their post was directed at you. Most times it was not. Fight hard to overcome any tendency to engage in imaginary wars. Kauth concludes by saying, “Picking your battles is very important — and not everything is a battle!” To which I’d add you can lose a battle or two and still win the war.

Here’s another helpful suggestion from Cindy Beall:  “Talk yourself off the ledge.” In her own words,
           “When you feel an offense rising up, ask yourself: Why does this bother me? Why am I so bent out of shape over this? What is the big deal? Will this even matter in a day or a week?”

We must get to the core of why we are so upset.

“The only thing we gain by being offended is chaos on the inside.”  While we cannot control the sub-Christian and raw outbursts of perturbed pagans, can we not agree that as followers of Christ we choose not to be offended? In other words, choose you response. And pray for grace to “overlook an offense” (Prov.19:11).

1. Face your flaws.

Nothing will change until you admit your flaws. Come to the realization, like me, that you are far too offended by what people say. Are you frequently unhappy? Do you complain a lot and assume malicious intent instead of accumulating the facts? Cindy Beall advises that we not “let our feelings wreak havoc in our lives. They’re meant to indicate, not dictate. Recognize them, but then focus on the facts,” if you tend to make mountains out of mole hills.

A little self-examination is worth the effort.

“Why are you so easily offended by what people say and do?” As a fervent follower of Jesus, the Holy Spirit was faithful to point out this personal flaw or blind spot. Personal change began with awareness and admission that I needed to change. I confessed my powerlessness and asked for divine help. So, I added to my prayer list: “Jesus, in your name, would You take offense from me? Cleanse offense from my mind and heart.” I even dated the request: 11/29/23. I’m doing better, but honestly, I still have a long way to go.

Admit your shortcomings, failures, and mistakes.

I am way too easily offended. If you’ve been too much of a perfectionist, too touchy, and frequently offended, ask God to change you or people will feel like they must “walk on eggshells around you.” Worse yet, they’ll “start to avoid you outright.” Quit doing what’s ineffective and unproductive. You cannot achieve instant emotional maturity, but you can confess your need and ask God to help you grow and develop into the most useful servant you can be.

Psychologists have developed a personality matrix called the JOHARI Window.  It is made up of four quadrants:

(1) ARENA (those things you know about you and others know about you—your public persona). These are things you hope you are known for. I am haunted by a wounded pastor who confessed that he needed a lot of affirmation from his people. When that didn’t happen, he turned to things outside the church to boost his self-esteem, all to overcome his feelings of failure and inadequacy as a pastor.

One day in a moment of total candor, he asked his congregation, “If you really knew who I was, would you still love me?” His people said yes, and he is on the road to healing and wholeness. So, why not let God affirm your worth as a person. You are wanted, accepted, and enjoyed as a person by those who know you and by the Lord you serve. Be your best self.

(2) BLINDSPOT (those things others know about you but you don’t know about you—this is where you need friends who have the courage to confront). Not everyone has the courage to confront. Solomon in his heavenly wisdom penned this: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). Where is “love” in a friend who refuses to correct? Proverbs 27:5. We can be both tactful (Proverbs 15:1) and genuinely loving (Ephesians 4:15), not merely critical.

Rebuke smarts. It may be softened by tactful honesty and loving support. True friendship sometimes means telling others hard truths they aren’t eager to hear (Proverbs 27:17). “You have to know and accept the truth about yourself,” declared Vincent Gallagher, “as painful as that may, before you can achieve wholeness.”

Open your eyes to the real you

Accepting the truth about yourself may be as simple as opening your eyes or ears to the real you. You can’t jump off the treadmill of offense if you’re blind to your true feelings and warrant the spring-loaded label. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal how others perceive your words, attitudes, and actions. Own what the Spirit reveals to you.

You may need guidance through this process, as I did. If so, seek a counselor or a same-gender accountability partner or group. Remember, you have needs too. Avoid extremes in self-awareness, self-denial, or self-absorption, and you’re on your way to becoming the authentic person you hope to be the arena.

(3) FAÇADE (those things you know about you but others don’t know about you—where you hide who you really are). When I think of façade I think of the Scribes and Pharisees in Jesus’ time on earth who pretended to be pious and devoted to God, but were fake, phony, and pretentious. Jesus saw right through their evil designs. Chapter two in It Only Takes a Spark deals extensively with the steps to personal authenticity. You may need to get out of the fake-it-till-you-make-it mode. I discovered that if I fake it, most likely I will not make it.

(4) UNKNOWN (those things you don’t know about you and others don’t know about you). Just as there is no such as instant maturity, there is no such thing as instant perfection. Be of good cheer, God is up to something big in each of us. The Spirit’s lifelong work in us to bring us to Christlikeness of character and personality (Romans 8:29). We are a work in progress (Philippians 1:6) and God is not finished with us we see Him face to face (1 John 3:2). The unknown area becomes smaller over time as we grow, develop, and discover.

2. Forgive everyone and everything.

I’m not the first person to fall into this defensive pattern of behavior. When you’re offended, you’re trapped and can be controlled by the enemy. We must let go of all offense and forgive everyone who has wronged us. Unforgiveness is a strategy of the enemy to stop you from being an overcomer. You can’t overcome if you are bound by resentment  (2 Corinthians 2:10-11 NKJV).

Offense is a snare or a trap. Avoid it.

This verse is saying that if you hold on to unforgiveness, Satan can take advantage of you. If you are easily offended, you will be very easy prey for the enemy, and fall right into his trap. This is why we are constantly exhorted to walk in love. It is a protection against the enemy’s plans. Jesus taught, “…Offences will come but woe unto him, through whom they come” (Luke 17: 1, KJV). “And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.” (Matthew 11:6, ESV). “Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you?” (John 6:61, NIV). Mosier goes on to explain that in all these examples, the word “offense” in Greek is “skandalon” which means: “the movable stick or trigger of a trap, a trap stick, a snare.”

Why would we choose to expose ourselves to a prowling lion, who seeks to devour us (1 Peter 5:8)? Acting out of offense produces a “scent” that attracts the attention of the powers of darkness. Being offended is a behavior that makes us easy prey for the Evil One. Yes, offense is a choice, and we can choose not to do so.

Mosier again, “When we choose to take offense, we are missing the mark, missing God’s intended best for us in that moment; it is not good for us and can lead us to feel trapped.” Who in their right mind wants to live in the bondage of offense, offending and offended? For a list of what we need to eliminate see  Ephesians 4:31 NLT.

Offense is the death of positivity.

It traps us in a cycle of negativity. It makes victims out of those who traffic in offense. Don’t be a prisoner to “upset, indignant, annoyed, displeased, etc.” Don’t get stuck there. If you absorb every insult and not deflect; or hold grudges and keep score, it will hinder you from being the person God wants you to be: “…as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Rom.12:18 NKJV).  Here’s some other verses worthy of prayer and adjustment:  Proverbs 12:16 NLT,  Leviticus 19:18 NIV.

Keep from getting your shorts in a knot

In this age of insults and offense we as Christians must guard against feeling or expressing hurt, indignation, or irritation because of a perceived wrong or insult. Perceptions can be wrong. For this reason, I’ve discovered it’s probably best not to get your shorts in knot. Rather…

3. Pause before you pounce.

Pause takes practice and a whole lot of prayer. This is more than biting your tongue and stifling your anger. Although Solomon in his wisdom advised that we show patience: Proverbs 14:29, CSB.

Don’t use your tongue as a flame thrower

I discovered I needed God’s help control my thoughts and words. Pay careful attention to the words you speak. The tongue is a flamethrower! Unchecked, our mouths are capable of unspiritual arson. We need the Lord’s help to master the arsenal under our nose that has been referred to as “pistol lips.” And when we fail, we need forgiveness and must turn to God in repentance.

Stop. Pause. Pray

When we don’t think before we speak, we can get into trouble in a hurry. But when we stop and pray, the Spirit is always there to help us “pause before we pounce.” Before you assume or accuse or use words that impugn the character of the recipient—Stop. Whenever you’re tempted to react harshly and one up the one who has posted the insult or offense—Pause. Bite your lip! Count to ten! And you’ll avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. Especially when you’re angry—Pause. When you’re tired or stressed or frustrated—Pause. But don’t just sit there in dumbfounded silence—Pray. Pray for grace to get you to the place where you can bless and not curse (Matthew 5:11). Take note of the things the Apostle Paul exhorted must be “put away” (Colossians 3:8).

Avoid knee jerk reactions

Many times, I’ve had to pray that God would keep me from knee jerk reactions, from biting back when bitten. I want my words to leave a positive mark on those I shepherd. Leaders and lay people must overcome the temptation to bite back. Leave a Jesus impression but don’t bite back!

Across my 19 years as a district superintendent and pastor, I received my share of angry letters and emails. In the ancient days before copy machines, if you wanted to write a letter and keep a copy, you had to place a sheet of carbon paper between two pieces of paper in your typewriter. Mistakes required liquid paper. I see now that there was something cathartic about going through an hour or two process to make a response. As usually happens when you stop and think about what you’re about to type, many times I put the draft in my desk and said to myself, “I’ll see how I feel in the morning.” Many of those ended up in the trash can where they belonged.

Write that email; compose that Tweet; but before you press the send, post or the Tweet button, stop and think. Reflect. Pray. Once your latest rant on Facebook or Twitter or any other social media platform is posted, it’s out there. Thankfully, you can save it as a draft or delete before and after you post. Pause before you pounce and pray. This is the spiritual equivalent of counting to ten before you react. I’m equally thankful that having thought it through, it is possible to go back and delete a post or tweet. Don’t be reluctant to place your thoughts and actions under the scrutiny of Christ for examination. Someone said, “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”